


The Bittersweet Addictive Properties of Peach Flavored Nicotine

by Mari999



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe - College/University, Auston has a lot of issues, Auston trying to figure shit out, Career Ending Injuries, Depression, Internal Conflict, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, meeting online
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-25 05:12:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16654876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mari999/pseuds/Mari999
Summary: Auston's life has had its ups and downs but right now it is as low as it could be.





	The Bittersweet Addictive Properties of Peach Flavored Nicotine

**Author's Note:**

> So basically this is me projecting some of my life onto Auston. 
> 
> Auston has some issues like major ones in this. He has substance abuse issues and doesn't know how to deal with his emotions. Auston is also is kinda a giant asshole. 
> 
> Also the Mitch and Auston relationship tag can be interpreted in two different ways but you will see.
> 
> A really shit job editing but that comes as standard for my writing.

Early November

There are times when life just becomes too much to comprehend. Sometimes it hits you like a freight train, and nothing can make you get out of bed. When waking up in the morning seems like the worst part of the day, but as you continue the weight on your shoulders feels like a pack of elephants you need to support. That all of your responsibilities are meaningless because everything in your life is meaningless or some shit like that. That is what Auston told the woman, well psychologist, that he saw only hours ago.

Everything in recent memory has become harder and more difficult to bear with. Having to pretend around everyone that everything is going to be okay even though it isn’t; is the hardest part of Auston’s life. He has to put on a face because that's what they want out of him. No one wants to know that he hates school, his job, and most of all his life.

He has to be emotionally there for his residents, but he can’t even be emotionally there for his own self never the less be there for a first-year student that misses home and has never had this much of a workload. Yes, Auston understands that because he was always the smart kid in school, he never had to try too hard, but now he is always being tested. He has already changed his major three times, failed four classes, and twice was close to dropping out because he believed he couldn't do it. Now he is responsible for forty-first-year students that come with complex emotions that he can barely understand himself.

There are days when Auston jokes with his fellow RAs about not being able to do his job, but in reality, it is mostly true. Every time he has a problem with the residents, he has to ask himself how he is going to be able to handle a classroom of twenty to thirty, third graders around him. He just reminds himself that things could be worse, but his brain tells him that it is already worse.

The woman told him that he should write down his feelings because she doesn’t think the way he is dealing with things are healthy but how is he supposed to do that. Auston doesn't know what to do with his emotions anymore. Being told for so long that boys shouldn’t cry or the one that really haunted him was push through the pain leaves Auston not understanding what to do with his feelings. Crying alone in his room makes him feel weak, small, and alone which apparently is the story of his life.

With the inability to understand his own emotions he has a hard time talking with his residents. Auston doesn’t know how he has this job; he can’t understand why they even hired him. All he is doing this for is free housing, a meal plan, and the hundred and fifty stipend he gets a month. If he had his choice, he would still be living in the shit hole in south town, but after that friendship went sideways, this job sounded like the best option.

She also thought he needs to get out more and find things he likes but he doesn't know how to do that either. Staying close to the things Auston used to love is hard. He has to watch his old friends be successful, seemingly living a balling life, and do what they love, hurts him to no end. He can barely watch games without the urge to cry, scream, or feel guilty. He knows he could have been out on that ice, he had promise, he had the drive, but looking at himself now he hates who he has become.

Auston still follows his old friends and their teams because he wants to pretend like he is right beside them. There are nights when he dreams, he is out on the ice, skating like he has never skated before, that there are thousands of people watching him play, that he scores goal after goal. Usually, Auston will wake up with the urge to cry, but he usually just cracks a beer and falls back asleep.

So, Auston stupidly thought looking at the hockey community on Tumblr would be a good idea but he was wrong. Most of the people are fawning over his old buddies; it makes him feel gross for plenty of reasons. There are a few people that do provide somewhat enjoyable content, but besides that, he only follows the occasional porn blog and a few other blogs that he finds funny or aesthetically pleasing. Only a handful of hockey blogs make it into his small following list.

There is one blog that Auston is fond of. It seems to be run by a guy, but Auston can’t be too sure. They mostly post stats, critiques of games, and other related content that you would see on a journalist twitter page. The blog's owner does seem to have personality on them cause there are days when he makes a snarky comment about a press release or a player's actions. Auston assumes the owner of the blog is in university because there are days when they talk about school being rough and that they just want to drop out which Auston relates with immensely.

Auston wishes that he went to a school with a hockey team, but he doesn’t think he could face the ice anymore.

\---

Mid-November

It is closing in on one pm on Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, so it is practically empty, but here Auston is trying to piece together a speech on early childhood education. Auston can’t believe anyone is going to trust him with their children in the future cause he can barely look after himself so how is he going to be able to watch after thirty, eight-year-olds. Auston figures he will get that when he gets to it.

He hasn’t touched his speech for twenty minutes or so due to him watching the rain pour outside. It is especially gloomy for November, but that is the way he likes it. The cold rain and grey skies are almost home to him just like the orange painted sunsets from growing up in Arizona was home. Auston watches people rush into the library to seek shelter from the rain; he watches them half jog as they try to shield their belongings.

Auston figures to get back to work on his speech, but he takes notice of the Tumblr tab open on his laptop. Looking he has a message from someone, but he realizes quickly that it is just a porn bot like all the other times he’s got messages. Although he does see his favorite blog has been posted after being partly m.i.a for a few days.

Sorry for the lack of posts but I go to uni in the states, and it was American Thanksgiving. Since I am from Toronto, a friend took me to her family’s home for the holiday, and I figured I would just use the few days for myself. Now I am back on campus so back to posting.

Oh yeah for that asshole that keeps sending me hate you can fuck right off. This is the only gratification that I am giving you. I really don’t give a fuck if you think that I should die in a deep endless hole cause you don’t even know the shit I tell my own self.

Damn Auston actually feels bad for the guy which he learned recently is indeed a guy. Hockeycritic seems like a good dude, or at least that is what Auston thinks. All he does is critiques some teams and some players actions. He does occasionally do what a majority of Tumblr hockey blogs do and post about a hot guy, but Auston just brushes it off.

Auston doesn't know what gets sparked inside of him, but he wants to tell Hockeycritic something.

 _Damn dude that asshole can fuck right off. Let’s be honest that person is probably just pissy because you said something about their team or said something about their favorite player. They just need to get off their high horse and realize people are entitled to their own opinions. -_ Anonymous.

Feeling good about his response he tries to turn back to his homework, but he can’t be bothered with it. So, he just continues to scroll through Tumblr and Twitter, he can worry about his speech tomorrow. He watches a few YouTube videos before going back to Tumblr. The guy had responded to his ask.

 _Thanks, person, I want to assume you’re a guy because of that response, but I know plenty of people that talk like that. Your right about the hate, the anon is just pissed because I shit on their favorite player. Like bruh I know him, I played with him for years and for one he is a shit head and two he could be playing better. I know he is better than the player he is right now and that is probably one of the reasons he got a line demotion._ -Hockeycritic

Auston responds back.

 _You’re right I am a guy. Also, so true_ on _everything you said. I used to play, and some of these guys that people fawn over were good friends of mine like for some of them I still text ever so often so like calm down. I get that you think he is a great player or hot or both I really don’t give a flying fuck if he isn’t playing good then he isn’t playing good._ -Anonymous

He scrolls aimlessly until the guy responds.

 _I totally understand what you mean like bro I fucking get it. Trust me there are guys that I know that I damn well know people would hate if they actually knew them. But I am not here to air other people’s dirty laundry now, am I? Like all I am here is to explain a few things if people need help and critique games._ -Hockeycritic

Responding back again.

 _Dude I totally get it. You are like one of four other hockey blogs I follow on here cause most of them are just not my style. Like I don’t want to know about the ten different ways you want to fuck the guy I would see with drool down his face and a pizza stain on his shirt. I would compete against the guy you want to marry and have your babies and well I know damn well that he isn’t even capable of taking care of a rock let alone a child, but you do what you want to do. It’s whatever makes you happy right. -_ Anonymous

Hockeycritic responds almost immediately to him.

 _Go off bro go off. Dude if you ever want to talk just slide into my_ dms _cause I am always available._ \- Hockeycritc

Auston thinks about sending him a message, but he decides against it.

\---

Early December

Things haven’t gotten any easier for Auston. Finals were coming up which means two things he gets to cram for exams and try his hardest not to cry when he gets on the plane to go home. Auston doesn’t hate going home, he loves his family, and they love him. It’s just he doesn’t know how to explain to his parents that he still doesn't know what he is doing. It’s easy to pretend over the phone that he has got everything together but once he looks his mom in the eye, he knows that it is over.

He doesn't want to pretend anymore, but he doesn’t know how to tell the truth anymore. Every day has become a lie and the only time it is real is when he goes to sleep. Auston isn’t the guy he used to be; he isn’t Auston Matthews the former hockey star that had a bright NHL future but decided to go to college and not return to hockey. He’s now Auston, the guy that sits in the back of class and daydreams about what things could have been. Now Aus the RA that everyone is almost sure steals the confiscated beer and other various alcohols when he has to do alcohol write-ups.

Auston does end up messaging his new friend Mitch. He tells him about how things suck and that he hates school but besides that things don’t go any deeper than that. It’s nice to have Mitch to vent to, and he feels good when Mitch vents to him. He is a good guy that seems to be in a shit spot in his life but who isn't these days. He learns that Mitch is a student and that he’s from the Toronto area but besides that nothing else and he is okay to leave it at that.

He’s okay with not having anyone around. It might be nice to have someone to be there for him, but the conversations with his co-workers are enough for him. Along with the occasional dick in his mouth, things aren’t so bad. He knows he can’t commit to anything longer than the ten minutes in a bedroom at a party or even a bathroom at a bar, so he takes what he can. He also doesn't want to explain well I am fairly out here, but back home everyone thinks I am going to marry a woman.

So Auston just lets things be just him and his Juul.

\---

Mid- December

Classes have finished about a week ago, but Auston still hasn’t gone home. He can’t leave for another few days, so it is just him and a few international students who can’t go home. He feels bad, so he checks on them every so often, but they seem to be fine with it. Checking on them leads to him having to do alcohol write up along with cigarettes. He wishes he didn’t have to, but hell they are drinking and smoking in the floors lounge.

Well, he is an asshole because he doesn’t actually submit the report, he just takes the wine and cigarettes for himself: two bottles of wine and three packs of cigarettes. He smokes a few cigarettes before opening one of the bottles. He chugs about half of the bottle before falling to defeat of the shitty cheap wine.

He grows bored of sitting in the room of trap music, so he is opening up Tumblr to find Mitch is online. He sends off a message in hopes his friend will provide some enjoyment.

**Hey**

It doesn't take long for Mitch to respond.

**Hey, how you doing?**

**Could be better.**   
**You?**

**Alright, but why** **could you be better.**

Auston doesn’t really want to bore him with how shitty is life is, so he just lies instead.

**Eh, life sucks but mostly I can’t bring my Juul home.**

**Ah so you’re that guy**

**Fuck off**   
**But yeah I am that dude**

**So what you up to?**

**Sitting in my room with a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes**   
**You?**

**I see.**   
**Just reading a little bit**

**What are you reading?**

**Into the Wild**

**Never read it**

**I think it’s good.**

**Okay then**

After that Mitch never responds so Auston scrolls through his phone. Bored Auston redownloads Tinder for probably the fourth time this term. He quickly sets up his profile and begins swiping on guys. Right away he matches with a few guys, but he doesn’t message them. It doesn’t take long for them to message him. Most of them want Auston to go to them, but he doesn’t want to leave the dorm.

One guy piques his interest and is willing to come to Auston. After about a half hour of drinking together, Auston got a rushed blow job because the guy had to meet friends in a little bit. Auston didn’t care, his dick was in some guys mouth, so it was a win for him.

He lays back on his bed and smokes until he falls asleep while watching The Office.  
\---

Christmas

The trip home wasn’t bad, he has only gotten in a week ago, and everything already hit him. He buys a pack of cigarettes the first night he gets there and well it is gone by night three. After the conversation he had with his dad he doesn't buy anymore because it would be a shame to get hooked on those things or at least that's what his dad tells him. Well okay, maybe Auston lied about having them because he can only go two days without a smoke. He hides them and only has a smoke when he knows he can be alone for a few minutes. He knows his family can smell it, but no one touches it.

After today he had to have four just to calm his nerves after dinner, but now he returns to his childhood bedroom Auston wants nothing more than to go to sleep. The day has been long and tiring for everyone involved. Christmas in the Matthews home could have gone better, but it also could have gone worse. Having to tell his family he that his kinesiology degree is going great even if that was three majors ago. He hasn’t even told his parents that he is in child development so that he can teach.

Auston probably killed two bottles of wine himself, but no one noticed, so he calls it a win. It was the only way for him to get through the night. He had to leave his Juul back in his dorm room, so that sweet rush of nicotine wasn’t going to save him now. Drinking the pain away the lies became easier telling his family that he has seen a few girls, but nothing has gotten any better. None of his family knows he is gay, and he really doesn’t think outing himself at a Christmas dinner was going to benefit him.

Now scrolling through his phone, he likes a few of his buds photos on Instagram before moving over to Tumblr. Looking at all the bull crap on his timeline he sees that Hockeycritic well Mitch is online. Shooting him a message.

**Tell me your Christmas was better than mine.**

**I ate a pot pie in my apartment alone.**

**Oh. Sorry**

**No worries I really didn’t want to go home anyways.**

**Still sorry.**

**What’s up?**

**I fucking hate everything.**

**Well then**   
**Care to tell me what’s going on.**

**Nothing new. The same old wanting to run away and hide from my problems. Having to lie to my family about my whole life.**

**Shit.**   
**Can I give you my number? I want to talk to you.**

**Sure.**

Mitch gives him his number and Auston puts it in his phone. Shooting a text off.

**Hey, it is Auston.**

His friend doesn’t text back, but rather he calls him. Answering the phone right away, “Hey,” Auston says quietly.

“Hey,” Mitch says right back. “You good bud?”

Laughing slightly Auston feels like Mitch should know this answer but they really only been talking for a little while, “As good as I will ever be.” Auston explains. They stay in silence for a few moments before Auston says, “I never thought I would be talking to a stranger like this.”

He hears Mitch try to muffle his laugh, “I’m not a stranger, I’m Mitch.” Auston can’t help but laugh at that. The guy sounds like a ray of sunshine after a long week of rain. Auston doesn’t know how to explain it, but Mitch sounds like he is cute. “I get it though. My mom always told me don’t give your number to strangers.”

“I’m not a stranger; I’m Auston.” Auston laughs with Mitch. They are both trying not to be loud, Auston’s parents are sleeping, and he can only assume Mitch has roommates. It’s already eleven pm for Auston so he can’t imagine what time it must be for Mitch, so he asks. “Mitch, what time is it for you?”

“Midnight.” He tells him, “What time is it for you?”

“Eleven.” He says.

“Oh,” Mitch breathes into the phone, “What time would it be if you were at school?”

“Ten.” Auston confesses, “Mitch.”

“Yeah.” Mitch hums.

Waiting for a moment, Auston says, “Thank you for being my friend.” The sting in his eyes is a reminder that thing shouldn’t be this way, it shouldn’t be this hard.

“Auston.” Mitch says, but all Auston can do is hum in response, “Thanks for being my friend.”

The sting is growing strong, rubbing at his eyes Auston needs to get off the phone. “Good night Mitch.”

“Good night Auston,” Mitch says before hearing the line go dead.

He lets the sting in his eyes release. Auston doesn’t bother to wipe away the tears. He never does wipe them away, all he does is let them stain his cheeks as he falls asleep. It isn’t the first or last time he is going to cry himself to sleep. Hell, it isn’t even the first this week.

 

\---

New Year’s Eve

Not telling his family that he is gay always results in interesting situations for Auston. Coming home for holidays have never been exceptions for that because right now Auston is having to pretend he is interested in a girl; Hanna’s career plans are. Apparently, his mom doesn’t think he puts himself out there enough, so she invited Hanna to the New Year’s party along with her mom and brother.

Auston vaguely remembers Hanna from when they were younger. Her mom has been friends with her for years now so that has resulted in them trying to set the both of them up for years. Auston is trying to be a nice guy about everything but sadly he is just more interested in her brother. The thing is Auston and Ben go back, he was Ben’s first and well every time Auston comes home they pick up where they left off.

The clock is counting down and Auston can feel Hanna shifting closer to him. The partiers are counting down 3,2,1 happy new years. The party screams and Hanna pull Auston in for a kiss. He can’t push Hanna away without it being weird, so he just rides it out. Hanna pulls away and gets up all annoyed because well Auston doesn’t kiss her back. He eyes Ben who shakes his head but then nods for the house.

Auston gets up and he knows not long after Ben also gets up. Going into the house Auston walks to his bedroom, he knows he probably shouldn’t be doing this in his own home. He knows his parents, or his siblings could find out what’s happening, but he also doesn’t care right now.

Hurrying Ben into his room Auston locks the door behind them. The thing about having this agreement with Ben is that they both don’t say much, and it always has to be quick. So, tonight is no exception, Auston pulls Ben in for a kiss; rough, fast, and hot. They can’t be loud in fear of someone hearing them, so Ben covers his mouth as Auston sinks to his knees.

They finish just as fast as they start. Auston rubs one out while he is blowing Ben, so they finish fairly quickly. He cleans himself up with a dirty t-shirt as Ben tucks himself away. Auston knows they haven’t been any longer than ten minutes or, so they should be in the clear. Ben leaves Auston with a kiss before they open the door to leave.

His dad is walking down the hall when Auston leads Ben out, “Ah Auston we have been looking for you.” His dad said.

“Sorry about that Mr. Matthews Auston was showing me this project he did for a class.” Auston thanks every god that he knows his dad will believe it.

“It’s alright. Thought Auston might have snuck off with your sister.” His dad jokes.

“Not a chance, I’m pretty sure Auston likes me more.” Ben pokes.

“Right.” Auston forces a laugh.

“Well I’m going to see if Hanna and my mom are ready cause we all have to be up in the morning,” Ben says before leaving him with his father.

“Actually, I’m going to head to bed. I’m beat, “Auston explains. “Night dad.”

“Night Auston.” His dad says.

Turning back into his room Auston throws the soiled t-shirt into his laundry since he had left it on his floor. Laying down Auston can hear the party still roaring on outside. This was the first time that Auston has ever been nervous about maybe being caught. It’s not like anyone knocked on the door, no it was just his dad in the hallway but still he could have thought something.

Auston tries to ignore it the best he could. He cracks his window and lights up a cigarette.

 

\---

Early January

The flight back to school was better than he hoped. His mom cries as she always does; for some reason it always makes him feel better. To know that she loves him that much she cries every time she sees him go.

Auston is still back early, so that means the whole building is empty besides the few international students that roam the halls to either go eat or go have a smoke. Auston picks up a few hot pockets and bags of chips to tie him over for a while. He doesn't want to leave his room for anything other than going to the bathroom.

Since no one is in the hall, Auston can get stoned freely. He knows he shouldn’t, but the gram and gummies he picked up once he got back are calling his name. He eats one 300 milligrams gummy and smokes two bowls before having to Febreze the room. Laying back on his bed Auston kicks open his fridge to grab a bottle of wine he has confiscated from one of the students in the hall.

Popping it open Auston takes a few chugs before grabbing for his Juul. Taking a few hits of the peach flavored, nicotine Auston sinks into the feeling. His head light and his heart heavy Auston looks at his phone. He has a missed call from Mitch, so he calls him back. His friend answers on the second ring. “Hey, Mitchy.” Auston greets.

Hey Aus,” Mitch says. “How are you?”

“Alright, but I will be great soon.” Auston tells him, “Just need to wait for the gummy and two fat bowls to kick in.”

“Ah, so it is that kind of night?” Mitch asks.

Taking a swig of the wine before Auston answers, “Yeah no one is here so I might as well. Just me, a few hundred milligrams, a bottle of wine, and my Juul.”

“To live in a legalized state.” Mitch huffs, “Fucking Tennessee hates me I guess.”

“So, Tennessee.” Auston says, “What’s it like there?”

He hears Mitch crack open a drink before saying, “It kind of sucks but I live in Nashville, so it isn’t so bad.” There is a pause for a moment, “I go to Vanderbilt so that’s alright, but the city is so fun. I am able to lose myself here, able to see myself staying here. It’s like I can feel the vibes of this place. I was able to find myself here which sounds cheesy, but I am being serious. Like the vibes of this place is unreal.”

Just listening to Mitch talk about it Auston nods along. It sounds amazing, Auston has never been to a place like that. He has dreamed of finding a place like that, being able to just vibe with a place sounds great. Mitch sounds truly happy like he has never had that before. Not wanting to let his high be wasted on sad thoughts Auston just laughs, “Damn get me in contact with your shrooms dealer.”

“Oh fuck off. I mean it.” Mitch says, “Honestly it’s amazing here.”

“It sounds like it,” Auston admits.

“Well, I’m going to let you go,” Mitch tells him.

“Alright, bye Mitch,” Auston says.

“Bye Auston,” Mitch says and just like that the line went dead.

Auston is left to weed, wine, and the bittersweet addictive properties of flavored nicotine.

\---

February

Auston has been talking to Mitch on and off for the past month, and it has made things a little bit better. His residents are still giving him hell, his parents are asking him about school, and his sisters are bugging him about a girlfriend. It’s not like he can outright tell them he got a rushed hand job by some closeted frat bro in the bathroom of the club right off of campus, so he just tells him he is focusing on school even if he hasn’t shown up to class in a few weeks.

He can do his attendance quizzes from his bed, and he has two online classes that only require him to watch movies and ‘read’ the textbook to take quizzes at the end of the week. He cheats on everything, the Quizlet for the courses really save his ass so all he does is drink till he passes out or smokes till his head is so light it might fly away.

Some might say he has a problem, but that’s why he gave up the Juul in exchange for a Sorin. It’s always the peach flavoring that keeps him around. Auston knows that he is killing his body but what does he have to care about anymore. It isn’t like he is a professional athlete anymore hell he can barely run two miles without feeling like his lungs are going to quit, but he guesses that’s what they always warned about in those PSAs.

Although he figures at least, he isn’t doing a line in the bathroom because he needs to cram for a test. He also doesn’t have that fuck you money if he got caught, so he had to tell the guy outside of the 7/11 he’s good. He knows guys that are wired beyond belief, but that was when he was still in kinesiology, so he can’t wait for those guys to become doctors.

Things could be better for Auston, but things have also been far worse. When his mom calls, he has to tell her that school is great, he might make the dean’s list which is a fat lie, and he feels bad about it. He hates lying to his mom because she has been there for him every step of the way and he knows she would be heartbroken if she knew how he was living. So, he doesn't tell her even if when she asks if he is sure he is doing okay, he thinks about telling her everything, but he doesn't want to scare her.

So, he just lies and says he has never been better.  
\---

March 1st

Auston finally cracks, he was sitting in a study cube when it happened. All he was trying to do is work on his psychology project and the website that he needs to get the information from keeps crashing on him. It takes every bit of strength in him not to throw his laptop against the wall and cry into his textbook. He goes back to his room and tells himself he is done.

He rips off all the posters on the walls and the photos of his old life. He packs a bag for later and stares at it until he knows his boss will be in his office. Going downstairs he walked right into his office to tell him he can’t do this anymore. That he isn’t happy anymore, he doesn’t cry, but he is near it when his boss calls his boss. After an hour and a half of talking with the head of housing Auston has to be out of the dorms at the end of the week.

The next thing he does is send an email to his advisor, so he can set up a meeting with her. Auston might have been a little dramatic in his email, but it gets her to email him right back. He had to meet her in the next hour so that’s exactly what he did. He packed up the rest of his room. After setting all of his food that he won’t eat in the lounge. He bags up his extra clothes along with extra bedding and leaves it in the laundry room for donation.

All he has is a duffle bag with his necessities and his guitar which Auston doesn't play much anymore. It seems a little stupid to be bringing it with him, but it was his grandpa’s, so he isn’t going to leave it behind. It was one thing that made him happy for a while after stopping playing hockey. He took it up because his mom thought he needed a hobby and well now it has sat for a year not being played.

Talking with his advisor leads to him explaining how he isn’t happy anymore. Things become too much for him to emotionally and mentally handle, so he is deciding to go back home for a little bit. That part was a lie because he doesn't know where he is going to go but all he does know is that he is getting out of there. She tries to get him to stay, but after an hour Auston is officially not a student anymore.

Heading back to his dorm Auston grabs his things. He says his goodbyes to his fellow RA’s and some of the residents that see him. Stepping into his boss’s office, Auston tells him he is leaving. His boss just stared at him and wished him luck. Walking out the door it is almost as a weight lifted off his shoulder.

Auston walks for about thirty minutes before he gets to the Greyhound station and pays his hundred and eighty dollars in hopes for a new better life.

\---

March 3rd

Two whole days later at almost ten when they pull into the bus station. Auston looks at the city around him or well the outskirts of the city. Everyone around him tried their hardest to get out of the bus and Auston doesn't blame them. He has been on this bus for too long, and all he wants is to get off. Finally, able to push himself out Auston grabs his duffle, backpack guitar.

Everyone around him shoves pass him. Taking in the lights from the city, he can see the heart of it in the distance. He takes a deep breath before walking down the street. It might smelt like crap, but he takes it in. There is a gas station down the road, so he figures it is his first stop.

When inside Auston grabs a Redbull and a bag of chips. Going to pay Auston pulls out his card, and when he goes to put the chip, there is an angry beep at him. HIs card has been declined, and his card has never been declined before. Looking between the cashier and his card and all the guy can do is take Auston’s thing and send him on his way.

Auston has his card out and his phone, well he doesn’t know what to do. ‘What have I done,’ Auston mumbles to himself because it finally has hit. He has just dropped out of school, quit his job, and got on a Greyhound for fifty-five hours because he couldn’t open a god damn website. Sinking to the ground Auston buries his head between his knees, trying to catch his breath he can feel the tears well in his eyes. He can’t believe he has fucking done this.

Opening his phone Auston presses call. Listening to the rings and after four it finally picks up, “Hey Aus what’s up.” Mitch says happily on the other end.

Choking back his sob, “Mitchy I fucked up.”

“Aus buddy what wrong,” Mitch says and Auston just losses it. Crying into the phone, Auston can’t find any words. He doesn't know what to tell Mitch if he can’t even tell Mitch what is he going to tell his parents. What is going to happen when they find out he isn’t where he is supposed to be. Sniffing and wiping his eyes he listens to Mitch, “Auston hey listen to me bud. What’s wrong, what did you do? Let me know what I can do.”

He lets everything go to sob, “Come get me.”

“I can’t do that Aus,” Mitch says, and Auston just stays silent sobbing into the phone. It takes a few moments of sniffling for Mitch whisper, “Auston where are you?”

“I’m at a gas station by a Greyhound station,” Auston cries, “I’m here Mitchy. Mitchy I’m so sorry.”

It doesn’t even take a second for Mitch to response, “I will be there in fifteen.”

“I’m so sorry Mitch,” Auston cries even more.

“It’s fine just I will call you when I am close,” Mitch says before hanging up.

All he can do is look down at his phone. He stares at his reflection in the screen, his face looks so scared, so sad. He wants to throw it, but he knows it is his only sense of survival at this point. Feeling his chest tighten around him he grips onto his duffle bag. Clutching his guitar close, Auston wants to go back home. He wants to lay in his childhood bed with his parents in the other room. He wants his mom to whisper ‘va estar bein mijo,’ and he would believe her.

Clutching his chest, he can’t believe he’s left. He told everyone that matters that he was alright but he wasn’t. He couldn’t scratch the itch under his skin that was his emotions and now look at him. Auston is crying outside of a gas station waiting for his internet friend to come to pick up but because he had a conversation while higher than giraffe tities influence him. Hell, he couldn’t even figure out why he picked Nashville until he was halfway through Nebraska after he woke up to the thoughts of Mitch in his head.

He doesn't know how long he has been sitting there until there is a presence in front of him. Looking up to finds a face smiling down at him, the guy has his hands stuffed in his pockets and his hood up. He’s cute, and Auston knows right away that it is Mitch. He wipes his tears away as he smiles back. The neon lights of the open sign shine enough to see the bluest eyes he has ever seen.

Mitch stretches his hand out for Auston, “Come on buddy,” Mitch says, and Auston lets out a few more tears cause Mitch can’t be any more perfect.

“I’m sorry Mitchy.” Auston chokes before taking his hand. His hand is warm and rough as it pulls him up. Mitch grabs his duffle while Auston takes his backpack and guitar. Mitch leads him to the passenger side and opens the door for him. He takes Auston’s things and puts them in the trunk for him. Once he gets in the car, Auston says, “I’m sorry Mitch.”

“Auston can you be quiet for just a moment please.” Mitch groans before pulling out of the parking lot. He opens up his contact list through the screen in his car. He presses call to a guy named Isaiah, it rings a few times before a guy picks up, “Hello.”

“Hey.” The guy says back.

“I got a favor to ask,” Mitch says as he looks over at Auston.

It takes a moment before the guy comes back with, “What is it?”

“I got a buddy that has come to town can he crash with us for a little bit. I already asked Tony, and he said sure, but I had to ask you.” Mitch tells him.

“Yeah as long crashes he in your room. I need a couch if Emma kicks me out of the room if I snore too loud.” The guy explains.

“She doesn’t even live with us.” Mitch snaps.

“Yeah and neither will your buddy if he can't sleep in your room. I will talk to you later, I got to get back to work.” He says.

“Alright talk to you later bye,” Mitch says before clicking the call off.

Before Mitch can even say a word, Auston says, “I can sleep on the floor and then I will be out of your hair by the morning.”

Mitch looks over at him as they stop at a stop sign, “Auston it’s fine.”

“Apparently it’s not.” Auston almost shouts before realizing Mitch is being nice enough to come to get him.

“Well can you imagine how I feel knowing that my fucking Tumblr friend calls me crying and says he is in my city and doesn't know what to do.” Auston just stares at Mitch. He clenches his jaw before continuing, “Auston I am worried about you. What happened?”

“I don’t even know where to start.” Auston mumbles.

“How about you start with how you got here,” Mitch says.

“Well, I quit my job and dropped out of school and got on a bus within the span of five hours,” Auston tells him. “I just cracked, I couldn’t live the fucking lie anymore. I am fucking miserable Mitchy. I just-just just... “ Auston trails off as he feels the tears come back.

Feeling Mitch grab for his hand Auston looks over at his friend who offers a sad smile. He squeezes his hand before intertwining their fingers, “Aus I’m sorry I couldn’t help before but I'm here now.” And Auston feels like he can believe him. Mitch is the first person that he can possibly believe since that guidance counselor told him that college was right for him. “I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but I promise Aus that I will do anything in my powers to help you.”

As the tears slip from his eyes, Auston can feel himself smile. It’s the first time he has had a genuine smile in probably months. This is a smile that isn’t produced by the finest grade he could get from the shop down the street from his dorm but from his friend. Mitch is a real friend, he doesn't know the last time he has had a friend like this. “I’m still sorry,” Auston mumbles.

“I know buddy I know,” Mitch says.

They sit in the silence before Auston realizes he needs to call his bank. He dials the support center and tells him that he has been traveling, and all of the recent transactions have been him along with he will be staying in Nashville for a while so that is the only place purchases should be coming from. He looks at Mitch who is focused on the road ahead of them. He knows that they must be getting close cause they have been driving through a residential neighborhood for a while now.

It wasn’t until they pull to the curb and Auston sees the apartment building. They get out of the car and grab for Auston’s things. Walking up the stairs they are quiet as they move through the home and Auston can only assume it’s because of a roommate. Once in Mitch’s room, he can tell he left in a hurry.

The Christmas lights that drape through the room are already on, his comforter is on the floor, and his laptop is still open on his bed. Mitch smiles at Auston before he throws the cover back on the bed. “You can put your stuff in the corner if you want,” Mitch tells him, and Auston follows.

Empty handed Auston just stares at his friend, “So what now?” He asks.

“Well I have an eight am so.” Mitch trails off, and Auston can’t help but feel anything other than guilt. “Stop don’t give me that face.” Auston smiles even if he still feels bad. “Come lay with me, and we can talk.”

“Are you sure?” Auston asks because he really doesn’t want to bring the fact up that he is gay right now.

Mitch nods before taking off his sweats to leave him in a sweatshirt and boxers as he slips into bed. Auston opts to keep his gross ass sweats on, he just takes off his sweatshirt. Laying down next to Mitch is nice even if the bed is a tad bit too small for them. All it means is Mitch gets to lay his head on Auston’s shoulder as they stare at the ceiling. “So that head of yours?” Mitch asks.

“Yeah I know it’s fucked up.” Auston mumbles, “I just thought leaving was going to be a good idea.”

“Sometimes we need to find yourself before moving, and sometimes you find yourself when you moved.” Mitch says getting Auston to turn his head to look at him, “Or some shit like that. I heard it on some show.”

Auston laughs and waits to see if Mitch will say anything else. A few moments pass with the ticking of the clock next to them, so Auston says, “Things have just been so shitty lately. Nothing seems like it was the right thing to do. I changed my fucking major three god damn times. I told my parents I was happy going to college. I told all of my friends I was okay until I didn’t have anymore. I told my residents that I was there for them and I wasn’t even there for myself. I told myself that it was okay to get up and lie to myself every fucking day for these last three fucking years.”

He feels Mitch shift to lay his head on Auston’s chest, and now he might understand why Mitch doesn’t play hockey anymore. “That’s some serious shit man,” Mitch tells him. “Fucking hell.”

“Yeah, fucking hell.” Auston huffs before feeling the need to grab for his Sorin but he doesn’t want to move so he doesn't bother. “Things fucking suck and I don’t even know how to feel or what to say.”

“Then just sleep on it. We can figure it out in the morning.” Mitch tells him.

Auston nods, “Yeah the morning.”

Mitch sinks deeper into Auston’s body, he wraps his arm around him before saying, “Night Aus.”

“Night Mitchy.” And just like that, they are quiet. The clock ticks as every second pass, the apartment creaks, the people upstairs stomp, and the cars outside the zoom by like it’s nothing.

Auston stares in the darkness of the ceiling. Trying not to think, he focuses on the breathing of Mitch and the tick of the clock. Counting the seconds as Mitch breathes in and out. It’s not long before Mitch falls deeper into sleep, the snores come out with every waking minute and all Auston can do is count one breath after another till the sun begins to rise.

 

\---

March 4

Jumping awake Auston realizes it wasn’t a dream. Mitch’s alarm clock shouts at him, the body on top of him groans before slapping at it. Mitch misses a few times, but soon enough he is done. The room is still dark with the curtains drawn and the Christmas lights shining through the room. Mitch mumbles something before getting out of bed, he stumbles as he steps over Auston.

Auston just watches him as he moves through the room. He hadn’t paid much attention to it when he came in last night, but now he looks at all of Mitch’s belongings. His walls are plastered with little Polaroid pictures that Auston wants to look at, but he also doesn’t want to get up. He looks at the shadowbox on the wall, it has a world juniors jersey with McDavid on the back of it. He has one like it at home just rather his name and the team USA one. The jersey is signed, and things are starting to make a little sense for Auston.

Mitch limps around the room, he hadn’t noticed the limp yesterday. He watches as Mitch gathers his things for the day. “Just go back to sleep it is seven am,” Mitch tells him. Auston is about to say he is sorry but Mitch cuts him off, “I only have my eight am today, but then I work for four hours after that. I should be back about two or so.”

“Oh okay,” Auston says before turning over and closes his eyes again.

He tries to fall asleep before Mitch leaves, but he can’t. He listens to the clock as it ticks away and the door close behind Mitch as he leaves for school. Auston listens to the sounds of his roommates moving through the apartment. The people above him don’t get any quieter, he is beginning to believe they must either have a kid or a dog. He turns over to look at the clock, and it is only a little past eight thirty.

Auston grows hungry and board of sleeping, but he tries his hardest to fall asleep. He doesn’t want to raid Mitch’s food, and he doesn't even know if his roommates will like that. He just showed up and the one guy last night didn’t sound too pleased, so he doesn't want to risk it. Feeling his stomach growl at him Auston stares up at the ceiling for a little bit before closing his eyes once again. This time it works.

Auston is pulled in and out of sleep a few times in the span of time he is left alone. One of the times his stomach wakes him and another it is his bladder. He risks being seen by Mitch’s roommates, so he can go pee. Luckily none of them are there, so he snags a glass of water before returning to the room. Auston does get up to brush his teeth cause he can only imagine what his breath smells like. He is tempted to go look for food, but he doesn't want to get caught there, so he retreats to Mitch’s room.

He decides to go back to sleep probably for the sixth time then. It isn’t long before he hears the door of the room open. He shifts to look at Mitch who is holding a bag of Taco Bell. His internet friend smiles at him, and Auston just rolls over. Mitch drops his things before climbing onto the bed. He takes the spot he was in when they fell asleep; right by the wall.

Trying to shrug the sleep off Auston finally sits up. Mitch stares at him blankly before opening the bag of food. “How was your day?” is all Auston can say.

“Alright,” He says before handing over a burrito. Mitch digs through the bag to hand Auston some hot sauces, “I got a few because I didn’t know what kind you liked or if you liked any.”

“Oh, thanks.” Auston smiles at his gesture. He picks out the fire ones in hopes it will make Taco Bell taste better. He honestly can’t remember the last time he had it, but then again, he rather make his own than buy a shitty one from Taco Bell. Opening the packet, he tastes it before putting it on the burrito, and it was just as he expected kind of hot but nothing in the grand scheme of things. Right now all Auston wishes he had his mom’s hot sauce or even salsa, he had a little bit of it from the last time she sent him a package but left it sitting on the table of the lounge.

He laughs at the thought of some poor kid picking it up to realizes that it was too hot for them. Mitch glares at him, “What’s so funny?”

“Just thinking about my mom’s hot sauce,” Auston explains. “She makes the best hot sauce.”

Mitch just nods as he chews on his food. Auston finally unwraps his burrito and puts the sauce on it. He has never been happier to eat than right now, he’s so hungry so taking a bite basically means eating half of it in one go. He squirts some of the sauce in his mouth for good measures. “Like things spicy?” Mitch asks.

“Yeah, I love spicy food,” Auston says.

“So, did you sleep all day?” He asks.

Nodding as he takes a smaller bite this time. “Yeah, I did. I was hungry, so I just tried to sleep.” Mitch just stares at him for that. “What you’ve never gone to sleep for lunch or dinner or even both?”

“What the fuck, no,” Mitch tells him.

“Well then.” Auston shrugs, “So how was class?”

“Same shit different day.” Mitch gives him a weak smile, “I had a mom yell at me for not making her D-one athlete sons latte right.”

“How fun.” Auston laughs a little, “That sucks bro.”

The pair sits in silence, neither of them clearly want to touch the elephant in the room. Auston doesn't blame Mitch for not wanting to, but right now he doesn't either. All of his mistakes have guided him down this path that he never thought he would take. Everything he has done to lead up to this point in time, to where he is sitting on a bed eating Taco Bell trying to make small talk with the person that he calls his friend because right now he doesn't have any. He’s never met Mitch before, never even knew what he looked like until now and this is all he has.

His hunger fades as he finishes the burrito, he should still be hungry, but his appetite has disappeared. Auston drops his hands in his lap, he can’t meet Mitch’s eyes, but he can feel them on him. He can’t imagine what Mitch must be going through right now with him just showing up. He can’t imagine what he would tell people that meet Auston, probably something like ‘this is my internet friend that thought getting on a bus to come to see him would be a smart idea but it’s not cause I don’t want him here.’ He tries to shake the thought away, but it pounds at his brain.

Every little thing hits him all at once. All of the problems that he tried to push away hits. It’s nothing like how he cracked in the library or the ones that got him on the bus but the ones that haunt his dreams at night. The haunting thoughts of throwing his career away because he didn’t want to pretend that he had a girlfriend, one that made him happy, one that he loved with every piece of his heart, the one that he can’t wait to start a family with. He didn’t want to live a lie, but here he is hiding because the world is too big and scary for him to say what he really wants.

He dropped out of school because he couldn’t take the bullshit anymore, but he can’t hide from his own brain. Going to college was supposed to be easier than finding a passion but here he is twenty-one years old a college dropout and a fucking bust. He was supposed to be the next fucking star of the NHL, but he had to follow those PSAs that said it’s okay to be gay. He tries to fight it, to tell himself that he likes girls, he tried to follow as many girls on Instagram in hopes that maybe he could be straight, maybe just he hadn’t found the right girl. Auston kissed girl after girl, tried to like the quick hand job he got in a bathroom stall of a hockey rink by a girl that said she loved watching him on the ice.

Auston couldn’t get behind it, he likes the ways guys look. He likes the way their hands fit in his, the way they kiss his lips and how they feel in his arms. He cried the night he told a teammate about how he felt about guys, and he said to keep that to himself if he wanted to stay in the league for a long time.

Then he cried when he told his parents that he was sorry for wasting all of their money on hockey because he doesn't want to do that anymore. He cried into his mom’s arm when he told her he was sorry that she got two jobs and that went down the hole cause he doesn't want to play anymore. He cried ‘lo siento mama’ as she held him in her arms.

Auston doesn't know he is crying until Mitch grabs for one of his hands with the other he wipes away the tears that have fallen. Mitch moves everything else aside while he grabs hold of Auston, laying down Mitch brings his head to his chest. Auston can’t believe he is putting Mitch through this, he doesn't need this. Mitch has his own problems that don’t need to involve him. He sobs, “I’m sorry Mitch, I’m so sorry.”

“Auston,” Mitch whispers as he rubs his back. He’s soft with every touch he leaves him with, “Oh Auston what’s going on in that head of yours.”

“I fucked everything up.” He cries, “Everything is my fault.”

“If you’re in some kind of trouble, please let me know,” Mitch says.

“No, I fucked up my whole life.” Auston manages to get out.

Mitch pets his head before kissing the top of it. Auston sinks into the touch, it’s tender and everything he wants and needs right now. “Auston can I tell you something without scaring you.” Auston just nods, “I know you’re Auston Matthews. I knew it when I looked at you on the ground last night and knew right away.” It’s like the whole world stops right then and there. Hiccupping Auston has to sit up now, he moves as far away from Mitch as possible. “I’m sorry.”

Looking away from Mitch he wants to get up and walk out of the apartment, but he can’t. He looks at Mitch, studying his face as the pain in his chest rises. The little hiccups escape him like the tears on his face; all fast and uneven. Mitch grabs hold of his hand before Auston yanks it away, “Do-n't fuck-ing touch m-me.”

Mitch retreats his hand before getting up to leave the room. Burying his head between his knees every breath is becoming harder to breathe. The pain in his chest his growing in size until it takes over his whole chest. Clutching at his heart, he knows this feeling; he lives this feeling every other day of the week. It’s nothing new for him, he just has to breathe through it even if his lungs feel the size of raisins. Taking deep breaths, Auston tries to focus on the counting he learned when he had attacks likes this before he would have a game.

Focusing on the hiccups and trying to breathe Auston counts his numbers. He never hears the door open, but he does feel the hand on his back. Looking up he finds Mitch with a glass of water, but he just shakes his head before going back to the counting. Mitch rubs his back lightly as goes through his numbers. It takes until the mid-eighties for Auston to feel like a human again. His chest is still tight but bearable.

He looks up at Mitch who offers a shy smile before handing over the glass of water. Taking it Auston practically chugs the water down in a few seconds. Once he is done, he places the glass on the nightstand and lays down. All of his crying and panicking has left him more tired than after he got off that bus. Mitch lays down with him, he curls into Auston side and wraps an arm around him.

“Things will get better, I can promise you that.” Mitch says before kissing his cheek, “Just sleep Aus, you need all that you can get.”

Closing his eyes, Auston drifts off for the seventh time today.  
\---

When Auston wakes again the room is pitch black besides the little bit of light coming from Mitch’s phone. He shifts to sit up, and Mitch just clicks off his phone leaving the room with no light. Mitch rolls over to look at Auston who eyes haven’t fully adjusted to the dark yet. They both just lay there in the silence, in the dark without saying a word to each other.

After a while, Mitch gets up to turn on the Christmas lights and grabs for his laptop. Auston figures it is time to check his phone since he hasn’t looked at it since last night. So he gets up to grab for his backpack and takes out his phone. There is still thirty percent left on it, so that is a win.

There isn’t much there only an email from his advisor wishing him well and a text from his sister asking him how he is but he just deletes it. He doesn’t want to touch that until he has to. Next, he grabs for his Sorin that he knows is charged, he shows it to Mitch who just nods at him. He takes a few hits letting the peach flavor rush to his head. He offers it to Mitch who takes two puffs before launching into a coughing fit.

Auston can’t help but laugh at it. He pats his friend on his back a few times before Mitch returns to normal. “Didn’t expect that to be that rough,” Mitch says with his voice a little horse.

“Yeah just takes a while to get used to,” Auston explains. “I’ve got only a little bit of weed left, but I have two full packs of gummies if you want some.”

“Nah I’m good right now but maybe another night,” Mitch tells him getting Auston to nod. “Auston.”

He knows that Mitch is going to want to talk about, “Can we not? He asks.

“Auston, can we please just talk for a bit. I promise if I push too hard I will stop,” Mitch tells him.

Mitch is right, they need to talk about what is going on even if he doesn’t want to, “Fine, what do you want to know.”

“Anything you will give me,” Mitch explains before taking the Sorin from his hands to take his own hit.

Auston takes it from him and does the same, “Well since you already seem to know who I am, tell me how you know.”

“Like I have said before, I played for a long time. I played for the London Knights before my hockey career was over. It was the season before my draft year, and I got into a car accident,” Mitch explains and now Auston starting to feel like a dick, “I have a shitty knee and a fucked up back so yeah that’s how I know you.”

“Shit man,” Auston mumbles.

“It’s fine. I miss it, but I like what I am doing now,” Mitch says, “So Auston what happened to you. The last I heard was potential number one pick decided to skip out on Switzerland and go to college in the pacific northwest because he wanted to be a doctor.”

“That was three majors and a crippling nicotine addiction ago.” Auston shrugs off with a laugh, “Just things never work out like everyone says they will.”

“And what would those things be?” Mitch asks.

“Left hockey so I could live my life like I wanted to. I thought being a doctor was going to make me happy, but hockey made me happy then, and now it’s just a bitter reminder of what I threw away. I could have hidden for my whole life away behind a picture of a skinny blonde woman.” Auston tells him in the hopes that he will understand.

Mitch just stares at him, “I get it. I told one guy that I thought he was cute and got decked in the face and told to not say shit like that.”

“I guess I really haven’t come to terms with it really. All my family thinks I’m a straight medical student that is going to find a beautiful wife and have three kids and a picket fence with a little dog. I can’t give them that because well I can’t even give myself happiness.”

“And what’s happiness for you?” Mitch asks.

“Honestly I don’t know,” Auston says. “I don’t think I have had that in years.”

“Well, we are going to find out what makes you happy,” Mitch tells him, and Auston believes him.

Mitch is the first person he has believed in a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I left it like that sorry. 
> 
> After reading this and knowing that I projected on Auston you might think I have some issues and you are right. 
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mari999-ao3) I sweat I don't bite.


End file.
